MY LOVE

Losing my father was distressing and makes my life weak. After coming back from burial, I went for a walk along the pedestrian in front of my house.
As I walking, my mind flashed back to the days when my father was fit and healthy. My father was a very caring, loving, understanding and humorous man. He was always there wherever we needed someone to talk to. I loved and respected my father very much. I the one who was much closed with him among our sibling. He told me not to be clumsy, think wisely and be calm. He taught me to be brave and independent, when I faced a failure he just smile and said, “Try to do it again, don’t ever turn back…you can do it!” For me, he was a model father.
My tears still stunning out from my eyes, I tried my best to conceal my feeling from my natives especially my mother. My youngest brother Rusydan, seemed more calm and relaxed than I was.
“ Why I should be so emotional, abah taught me to be strong and brave to face everything because Allah within us,” I tried to calm down.
“ Achik, what about your study? Do you have any problem with your expense? You have enough money?”
“Nope, I’m okay abah. No need to worry. I think my money enough and I can survive until the end of this semester..,” I replied.
“ If there’s any problem, don’t hesitate to call me. Study smart for your future undertaking.”
“ Ok abah..I will try my best!”

That was our last conversation two days before left us. Very unexpectable..before this only my mother always call us to ask our condition, my father just sit behind my mother and waiting for any problem to solve. Past two days, my mother said my father look weird, his behave different than usual. He slept late, because he wanted to call all of his children to make sure everything was fine. He too wanted to speak with us for the last time. When we heard this story from mum we felt so sad…what a nice father he was.
I kept walking until my cousin, Alia dragged my hand.
“ Achik why they buried abah, what happen to abah?”
Alia is a cute little girl with curly hair, she is intelligent and talkative. I was startled, trying so hard to find the best answer to answer her question.
How I want to start. There was a moment of silence.
Then I gently replied, “ Abah just left us, he is going to a faraway land which is more beautiful and wonderful.”
I saw her was thinking so hard, and then she began to ask more, “Well, why not he bring us along? How could he leave us like this?”
“Alia my dear, everyone has to go back to where he belongs, sooner or later. I will follow him and you too, but we don’t know when. No matter what happen, abah will always love you and others,” I tried to explain to her.
“ Then, why so soon he want to leave me?” tears started rolling down Alia’s cheek. Quickly I embraced her and stroked her hair gently. “ It is not good to say like that..God knows what to do. Do you remember abah always said to me, ‘Every Cloud has a silver lining’. That is meaning there is always a reason for everything that happened.Allah want to show us something…so we must be patient.”
“ Don’t cry Alia, there is your father calling for you. Be a good girl,” I smile to her. Alia shoke her head then ran to reach her father, my mother’s younger brother.
I stared at her until she disappeared into my house. Since Alia aged one month my parent take care of her till now, that’s why she called my parents mama and abah too like us. I was pleased; she was too small but already knows what love is.
I still walking then I sat on a huge rock facing padi field or ‘bendang’ just behind my house. I saw a light, it came from a far distance. Abah used to bring us jogging and walking around here and he said that light came from a lamp road, the only lamp road in that area. As a science teacher he told us about light, the first person who discovered electric power and bulb. What a nice moment, I missed it.
My tears started to burst out. I remembered abah saying, “Son, is this the way you deal with your problem? If so, I’m telling you this is wrong my dear. Life is not meant to be easy. You must be matured, strong and use your brain wisely. I don’t want my children weak. God always with us. One thing my dear, whatever happens remember there will always be somebody who loves you. I will always be here for you.”
“Ok..I must be stronger for my mum, my sisters and my brothers. That’s a promise.”
I started walking to my house. I glanced at my watch,7.30 pm. I need to pray.
When I arrived at my own house, my mum said my friends from my college came. We did some tahlil and about 12 pm they departed from my house to go back to KL. I was pleased for their presence, their visiting. My house busy with peoples who came to visit us. I left my house for a night walk, my aunt and other natives still here helping my family to serve them.
Once again Alia came to me, she looked at me then she asked me,
“ Does someone up there hate abah?”
“ No Alia, somebody up there loves him even more than us. That’s why somebody up there took him first,” I whispered to her softly.
She seemed to understand, and then she ran to my mother and told her that peoples up there love abah very much. Mummy just shakes her head with tears rolling down her cheeks.
Immediately, I ran out from my house…I couldn’t see mum crying it makes my heart torn. The atmosphere was cool with soft breeze blowing from the darkness. I went to place that I went before. My eyes were staring at the light and slowly moved towards it. The light was so bright, fascinated me. As I got closer, I realized there was someone leaned against the lamp road. Who? As I got closer, I saw the person was my youngest brother.
Slowly I approached him, I looked at him, “ Adik, why why are you here all alone? It is dangerous for a little boy as your aged to stand here in a dark and quiet place.”
He stared at me, and then hugged me tightly.
“Achik, Adik trying so hard to control m y feeling but Adik failed,” tears burst out from his lovely eyes.
“ I understand..all of us try to be calm and strong in front of mummy, but sometimes we must cry to release everything but not too much. Our Prophet remind us not too much crying because the death of the person we’re love. This is just a test of our life as a Muslim.”
He released me and holds my hand.
“ My dear Adik, everyone loves him, but Allah loves him more than us.We must realize abah just back to where he belongs to, that is a promise. I too, love abah but this is the time for him to leave us. We must accept it,” I said softly to his ears.
Adik swept his tears, I smiled to him.
My youngest brother studying in standard four and he very closed with abah. He just like my father loved to play football. Abah always said Adik had a talent to go far.
At the same time he is an excellence student at his school.
“Adik..do you see that light?” I point to the light coming from above us.
“ The light guide peoples like me to find way to return home and show a right path to follow. Try to imagine the light is guiding our life. The light moved in a straight and it had limited area to spreading its rays. Depends on how much electric power has been supplied to it. Before this abah who held the guiding light for you and us. You see how the light just vanishes into darkness when it goes far away from it sources. There will be no light to guide you anymore, this is the time for you to find a light of your own. All of us will loose our loved ones one day. Only we have lost ours sooner. Allah loves abah and abah loves us too. Abah would not want you to feel weak and sad all the time just because there is no light to guide you anymore.”

The silence took place.
Adik staring at me, he looked so pale like grass without sunlight. My dearest Adik, I could see sadness living in your eyes but I didn’t know how to make it disappeared. I was crying slowly in my heart. I must strong for our sake.
“ Now I understand. I must be more hardworking to be like all of you my beloved brothers and sisters. I want to make mummy happy and proud having children like us.” Adik said with full hearted.
“Well..this is my brother…,” I stroke his hair gently.
I began to realize the truth of my father’s word. We hugged and I could feel Adik stifled a sob.

It’s been 3 years since…16/7/2002…May Allah bless my beloved, dearest father and put him with whom with His blessing. Al-Fatihah……